“Emotional and social changes are more valuable than monetary donations. “Does your prefered deed make as much of a difference as simply handing over the money?” The effective altruists’ idea of replaceability states that you have to do more than others in your position to really make a difference. This idea can be argued is true, but money is not the only way to make these large changes. Benjamin Zander proves this by telling a story about a young boy living on the streets who was moved by the Chopin piece Zander played for him and his peers. He explained that his brother was shot a year before and that song made him take time to think about it and cry about it for the first time. Art, such as music, has the capability to change emotions immensely. Zander also shows this by telling his audience that he feels powerful and influential when he sees shining eyes. What he means by shining eyes is those who have joy because of your actions. The stories and effects Zander has on his live audience prove that emotional change is powerful. He doesn’t directly address if this is more powerful than just handing over the money, but he does prove that art does make a huge difference for individuals emotionally.”

The changes I made were tightening, contrasting and explaining. I tightened my paragraph by added a conclusion sentence that lied more into my thesis. I contrasted views by explaining the views southern would have on Zander’s experiences and opinions, which brought more meaning to the paragraph. I explained more by explaining the quote I used in the beginning of the paragraph in order to give more perspective into the readers’ minds and to explain my views on the topic.

“Emotional and social changes are more valuable than monetary donations. As effective altruists believe, “Does your prefered deed make as much of a difference as simply handing over the money?” They are saying that money is the most efficient way of making changes and therefore other ways, like art, are a waste of time and materials. These could be used to earn money to give to the needy. The effective altruists’ idea of replaceability states that you have to do more than others in your position to really make a difference. This idea can be argued is true, but money is not the only way to make these large changes. Benjamin Zander proves this by telling a story about a young boy living on the streets who was moved by the Chopin piece Zander played for him and his peers. He explained that his brother was shot a year before and that song made him take time to think about it and cry about it for the first time. Effective altruists would argue that anyone could make this change in a child, but I believe that only that song at that time could make that big of a difference in the child’s lives. Art, such as music, has the capability to change emotions immensely. Zander also shows this by telling his audience that he feels powerful and influential when he sees shining eyes. What he means by shining eyes, is those who have joy because of your actions. The stories and effects Zander has on his live audience prove that emotional change is powerful. He doesn’t directly address if this is more powerful than handing over the money, but he proves that art does make a huge difference for individuals emotionally and these changes may even be worth more than just handing over the cash.”

“Art has a place in the ideals of making the world a better, happier place. Southan and Zander prove separately and sometimes contradicting ways, that art has the capability to change lives. It can raise awareness to problems, perspectives, emotions and responsibility. The happiness of others as well as our own happiness is important. One may not be more important than another, but they both play a big role in the world.”

I changed this conclusion paragraph by adding information to wrap the paragraph together. I added sentences to the beginning of the paragraph to once again state my thesis and added to the end of the paragraph to broaden the perspective of the reader. I also used transitions and connections in order to g from specifics to broad ideas.

“In my perspective, art provides the world with emotional, social and powerful changes. These are not minute and although some may believe it is a waste of time and materials, I believe that just handing over the money does not have the same value and meaning that creativity does. Artists have a responsibility to initiate change and perspective into the world. Art has a place in the ideals of making the world a better, happier place. Southan and Zander prove separately and sometimes in contradicting ways, that art has the capability to change lives. It can raise awareness to problems, perspectives, emotions and responsibility. The happiness of others as well as our own happiness is important. One may not be more important than another, but they both play a big role in the world. Making a change in others’ lives in vital to the meaning and power of life. The way one pursues to achieve this is irrelevant. What matters is that the difference is made.”